break up

i never want to hear those two words come out of your mouth. got it?

looking back, what if i really gave up that day. after you tried so hard to push me away, what if i just turned around and walked? we wouldn't be together right now. can you imagine it? having to go back to the days where we were lonely. where i can't just go to your house when i have nothing to do. we'd go back to our old selves, when we didn't have each other. i don't want to think about it, but it happened. i don't want to end something great over something stupid. anything can be fixed if we talk it out, together. cause this is our relationship, involving the both of us and we're going to be in this together.

i guess nowadays, i don't know if i should show as much affection towards you as you want me to. you're so hard to read. i feel like we're going back to before. where i didn't know how you felt or what was the real you. you say all these hurtful things to me and it really makes me want to break down. the more you say something, the more you start to believe it. that's what i think. after the first time you broke up with me, it's probably easier to say it the second time. it may just be two words, but it can end everything right there and then. don't let your anger get the best of us.

you can't feel the way i felt when you say those things to me. or when you broke up with me. i just want to stop everything i'm doing, just to make you feel better. i don't even care about the world around me. but did you ever stop to think how hurt i could be feeling? or what would happen after? if i walk away, would you chase after me and tell me not to go? i really didn't know what to do.

i want to stop hurting. i want there to be more happy times than sad times, where all we do is argue. you're supposed to be the one i lean on when there's no one else. the one i know i can always go to. to do everything with me, for me and because of me. i don't want to be alone, ever. especially when i cry. maybe i'm asking for too much or i watched too many dramas. but is this what i deserve?

i get really insecure. when i'm around you with no make up, or what i look when i wake up in the morning. i wish you could be the one to give me confidence instead of agreeing with me when i talk about myself with such low self esteem. i know my body isn't slim, and my face isn't pretty without make up. but i promise deep down, i can be the most wonderful person in your eyes. i'll love you with everything i have even if i'm not perfect.

i feel like i'm writing a letter to you, but i'm not. i'm not sure if i want you to read it. what would your reaction be? would you feel hurt, confused, whatever, mad or upset? can you just try to reason with me and see things from my point of view? i'm not looking to argue with you, this is just merely how i feel. i've bottled up a lot inside and i just want to vent it out. but if i said these to you, would things change?

forever 21 (haul)?

winter sweater

hooded leather jacket

sequin dress

hungry hungry hippppppo

haven't eaten anything since this morning cause i fell asleep at bb's house. should i order take out? but it's so late..
a couple living together on my floor was arguing just now and it was really scary. the guy was yelling really loud and he was throwing a big tantrum. i think he needs to get some help with his anger issues. he even yelled at my mom when she went to see what was going on.

ahh im starving. i sound like a pig but my stomach is really empty and all my take out menus are of no use cause the restaurants are closed.

things i want to do

i like making lists.. heh

• watch tron, burlesque, tangled and black swan
• plan a potluck with friends
• go ice skating with baby and madison sq park
• finish my sticky pic collection
• go to inspa sometime soon
• go to california in february
• bake cupcakes, brownies and cakes
• take new sticky pics with baby
• in 2011, lose weight and get atleast 4.0 gpa in college
• get into college hahaha
• do the cutest thing for baby...

picturespicturespictures

bb and i at citi pond

atlantic city, i look so tall hehe

my sister wanted me to take pictures of her wrapping haha 

bb made us take pics when i had no make up on so i covered my face haha

我的心在哭。怎么办呢

有时我问自己，你爱我吗？
为什么你可以对我说出那么痛苦的话？你知道我有多么痛苦吗？
this has never happened to me before.. every hurtful word you've said, has made tears come out of my eyes. i promised not to argue with you anymore, give you what you want, but isn't this too much? for me to be treated so badly? i know i make you angry sometimes but i promise it's not on purpose.


it felt like the words "let's break up" mean nothing to you. i'm always scared of hearing those words come out from your mouth. whatever the reason it may be, we can always work it out.


it feels like day after day, i'm getting more attached as you're losing those feelings you had. and you're just pushing me away slowly.. the words you said to me before, did you mean it?


is this what i deserve? maybe i'm thinking too much again.

sorry blog, i've abandoned you

i haven't updated in like 5 days! well the past four days, i've been with baby the whole time so yay ^^

on christmas eve, we had an argument in the morning cause waihao and diana came over around 6 then we just fell asleep so baby was waiting for my text for three hours.. then he didn't wanna come anymore. my forever 21 package came and i was so happy cause i've been waiting for it but i'm gonna return two things. i shouldn't order bottoms online anymore aha or shoes from forever 21. we went to my uncle's house first to give them the presents and my aunt gave me $50 then we went to eat dim sum. we went to ny wedding store to wait for bb then we fought again.. cause he thought i was mad that he didn't have money but i was just sad cause i was so excited to go ice skating. he finally came then we went to citi pond but the line was too long. we didn't wanna wait and we had no time so we just went back to chinatown after diana got her bus ticket. we ate at japshe, went back to my house and i went to baby's house to sleep. i told my mom i went to ac that night.

the next day, anqi's whole family came over but we stayed home. baby's mom helped him get me a gift which was a cardigan from a&f and it's really pretty hehe. at night, we went to chinatown to take the bus to atlantic city for the jj lin concert. we went to eat first and the only place open was cafe roma. i saw yy and other people there too. chris brought us into the presidential seating but we couldn't even see anything and now i have to pay him for 2 tickets still, wtf ugh. me and bb got into a fight again sigh..

the two nights ago, there was a snowstorm so my mom told me not to go home. the roads were all covered in snow, cars were stuck, trains were delayed and stores were all closed. i just hibernated in bb's house all day and watched him shovel outside haha. why couldn't this happen when it wasn't break?? today i went home in flats cause i had nothing else to wear and the chain on it broke tear tear..

yesterday i got my period.. i leaked so many times and we kept washing his bed sheets and i ran out of pants to wear. i felt so bad cause he likes everything clean but i couldn't help it and this morning i was having a headache. uniqlo called me but i was sleeping so i hope they call again! today i finally went home cause my mom would've been mad and i needed to change my clothes. baby's mom is so nice to me and gave me jeans and a shirt. i'm gonna go back tomorrow morning after i return the apple keyboard cause he's gonna get a mac next year anyways. i think im gonna get couple bedsheets and shirts!

i feel so bad for my mom

not sorry for her, but she's gone through a lot. it just saddens me because the ones that hurt us is our own family. my mom has lent out so much money to her siblings and other family members when they were in need. now they're not even giving a penny of it back. it's not just hundreds of dollars. it's THOUSANDS of dollars. and now you don't even call my mom to check up on her or pick up her calls. my mom shouldn't have been so nice in the first place but that's just how she is. and also, she was the one who even got you guys to come to the united states. without her, you would still be in china and you're lucky to even be getting your green cards. yeah, you have ajob in the us now and you don't need us. you think you're amazing? you wouldnt be where you are today if it wasn't for my mom. stop going to her out of everyone cause no one else will help. everyone else who chose not to help you out, why do you treat them so well still? and even my own aunt took money from my mom's restaurant like wtf? do you even know what family is? how can you be so fake

over the past year or so, i've come to realize how important my family is. i wish we could be closer and do family things together but we're so seperated that it might be impossible. i used to rely on my friends to make me feel better and only vent out to them. i felt like i had no one else to turn to and i'd argue with everyone in my family. but without family and myself, who else do i have really? when everyone else turns their back on you? i stopped yelling at my brother because he's at an age where he should understand the words i say to him. i just don't want him to end up being a failure. i know me and my sister argue, but hey, we're siblings. i gave up about getting pissed when she would wear my stuff cause sharing is caring. my dad may be an asshole and lazy, but he's still my dad. and my mom has done so much, and shows her love in countless ways. she sacrifices everything for this family and doesn't ask for anything in return. my aunt loves me so much and treats me as her own daughter ever since she was little. she never thought twice to buy me something i wanted. since she doesn't get to see her son, i'll be there for her too. this year is the first year i bought almost everyone in my family a present. i just feel like i owe them so much and i want them to know that i think about them too even though i dont always express it. i wanna be a good daughter, a good sister, a good girlfriend, a good friend, a good granddaughter, a good niece and just a good person in general. i've become so close to my cousins even though i didn't talk to them when they were still in china. i want to take time out of my day to hang out with my family. these people have the same blood type as me and even if they do something to disappoint me, i'll be there for them. my family might be a mess, but every family has some problems of their own right? i just want everyone to be happy, without any worries.

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride: so I love you because I know no other way.”

just re-painted my nails a pinkish red color and that's the ring my sister got for me

i hate my bangs - -''

i have a good feeling about this christmas

OMG winter break baby!!! i love todayyy. we watched a movie about global warming in first period, didn’t have to change for gym and just sat in the room talking, and there was a sub in english. how wonderful~! then i signed in for school service and they gave me a present which was a perfume. i didn’t go with the guys and simona to bbqs cause i had to leave for my interview. i went to uniqlo for the second interview and waited there for like half an hour. today there was a new interviewer and he seemed so uptight which made me more nervous. i was getting so tired of him talking and wanted to just leave hahaha. they’re gonna give us a call either tomorrow or sunday cause it’s closed on xmas. so i went more christmas shopping and i got my uncles scarves then i went to take the subway to baby’s house. he heated up halal from yesterday for me haha and i left around 8. i ran cause i thought i could use my student metro but i used all my rides..


ok,, i don't know why it's double spaced - -''

good news! chris got me and baby the jj lin tickets, $88 dollar ones so we're gonna pick it up when we go to atlantic city. i’m so excited cause now i don’t have to worry about them!

i just opened my sister’s present. i told her i wanted a ring hahaha. she got me a hello kitty gift bag, a ring and leopard print earmuffs and made me take pictures of it cause she thought she wrapped it nicely.

okay so tonight i’m gonna stay up all night to download jj lin and by2 songs so i can listen and sing along to them when i go to the concert haha i’m such a sb

sooo diana and waihao just called and they’re both coming down to new york~ so i guess we’re going double date tomorrow to yumchaaaa (dimsum) and ice skating after. i’m so excited~ i wanna take a lot of pictures with baby. i think im gonna get a forever 21 package so i need someone to be home to pick it up. they’re coming over at 6 so i kicked my sister out haha.

baby deleted all my friend requests today. there was like 100 of them. i thought it was cute that he did that though :3 i just hope i have a good hair day tomorrow cause i dont wanna look ugly in my pictures.

omg so imagine i see anqi’s ex at the concert. for sure she’s gonna come up to us and slap one of us lolol. i’ll kick her ass k hahaha kidding laaa

HELLO WINTER BREAK <3

why do i even go online shopping when i can't spend anymore money? it just makes me want more things that i see but can't get and it makes me so sad inside. i guess they're pretty to look at... abercrombie, why are you so expensive?!?!?!?!

holiday spirit

today, i went to uniqlo at 10 for the job interview. it went pretty well and they called me back during work for a second interview tomorrow! i think i got the job, HOPEFULLY. after that, i just went christmas shopping in soho and this is what i bought:

mom: white keds cause she thinks they're comfy and wanted them

dad: scarf from the tour shop

irene: bracelet from necessary clothing with a cute leopard print box

daniel: a burberry print scarf

ivan: topshop shoes

junie: shirt from mystique (no picture)

aunt: tan shirt with studs, i got one for myself too and a black cardigan haha

then i went to my mom's restaurant to eat and i gave my aunt her present. she was so happy and hugged me haha then showed it to everyone. i ate dumplings then went home. my abercrombie jacket arrived and it was too small cause i got it in xs so i decided to go to the store in seaport to see if they have other sizes. online, it said everything in store was 40% off but when i got to the store they didn't have a sale but they had the jacket in small so i exchanged it and paid another $43. i went to the sock shop and got chao socks but my sister ended up giving it to my dad cause she didn't get him anything.

i went to work at 4 and i didn't leave early today. i don't miss closing at alllll. it was kinda busy and time went by pretty fast. i got paid but only $114 and $5 tip cause i owed mindy money for my take out and the jeans she bought me.

when i got home, i gave my family their presents. my mom said she's gonna wear the shoes i got her for exercising haha. my brother and my dad switched scarves but they all liked their presents. my mom asked me if i wanted her white north face jacket and it was soo warm so i said yes hehe but it's so big and poofy. my sister and i are splitting 70, 70 each to get my aunt uggs cause she's never had them before and my mom's gonna get uggs too. me and my sister's uggs are coming in this week i think! and i got my forever 21 package. i got... 

v-neck for only $3.80!

a winter sweater, so cute :3 

thin, white circle scarf 

sequin shorts 

little black hairbow clips

i'm so excited to wear everything~ my dad's complaining about how the mail man comes everyday and knocks on the door to give us our packages. i have my outfits planned for this weekend! mindy said i don't have to go in this weekend anyways so i'm gonna sleep in. just one more day and it's break! diana wants me and anqi to go bowling sunday but i feel so poor now and i still have to buy jj lin tickets omfg. i don't even know when potluck is right now cause there's so many people and they always have plans or something. hopefully it doesn't turn out bad and people go! i really wanna watch the movie black swan but it's a girl movie so maybe i'll go with my friend to watch it or something and i don't want baby to spend anymore money on me.

啦啦啦

baby cooked me dumplings at his house today and i ate them all and left him only two.. hahah. then his mom cooked rice with tofu and i ate it all too. he walked me to the subway with his doggie and bought me mcdonalds. my baby treats me so well even though later on i'm gonna be complaining about gaining weight.

we got into another argument today and i just kept on crying. why do i always end up shedding so many tears? i guess i just bottle so many things up and my heart can't take it sometimes. i hate that pain that you feel in your heart, and thinking that no one cares. honestly, i just need a hug and a few comforting words.

tomorrow i have a job interview at uniqlo at 10 which means no school for me. i'm kinda disappointed that i'm gonna miss the movie we're watching in first period cause it's really interesting. then afterwards i'm gonna finish up my xmas shopping and go to work at 3. my house feels so empty right now cause only me and my brother is home.

her dress is so pretty *_*

hmm i wonder when i'll see baby in a suit

i bet he'll look really handsome

i want high heeled lace up booties!

ahh couple pictures

lunar eclipse

the lunar eclipse is happening tonight, well i think it's over now. it's too cold and i'm too lazy to go outside just to see it.

i feel like i haven't blogged in a long time. well on sunday, i went to work and it was busier than the other weekends. it's probably cause of the promotion we're having which is buy 2 drinks, get 1 free. i left around 6 just to go to elizabeth center to buy star paper for baby cause he was mad at me all day. i stopped by ajisen to get food and asked the manager if she was hiring. then i went home and didn't sleep until really lateto do the stars.

i got a new camera today! it's the canon powershot sd1300 in blue for $109 plus tax

i still need to sell my old samsung dualview for about $50 on craigslist. well afterwards i went to baby's house and we watched orphan. it was so creepy and right now i'm thinking about it and it's freaking me out. we fell asleep until 8:30 then his mom came home. baby knew i love thai iced tea so he made instant thai tea for me and gave me a pack to take home. i ran home cause it was super cold and ate some noodles. i got the package from divine with the falsies! i love them and can't wait to use them hehe.

so baby's mom suggested that we should go to california next week cause it's buy 2 get 1 free but the free person still has to pay 265 and plane tickets are more expensive since it's during the holidays. i guess if we don't go, baby and i can go to the jj lin concert and go to california during februrary or something.

i just cleaned up my whole desk and my brothers too and all my drawers. i threw away 3 bags of stuff! there's so much junk in my house that i use to buy haha. i left my memory card on my table and afterwards i couldn't find it anywhere. ugh it's so frustrating! well i'm gonna stop by b&h tomorrow to get a new one then i can take pictures with bb hehe.

i think i'm gonna get my mom keds for christmas and a scarf for my dad. i'm also getting a scarf for baby's dad cause i got his mom something. then i have to buy junie's present still and wrapping paper. i only have four days left! hopefully i'll get the job at uniqlo and baby will work at ajisen so i can go there for lunch break and eat there when he works.

i'm still waiting on 2 forever 21 packages, rachel's bb cream, my abercrombie jacket, uggs and other stuff. i'm not sure when potluck is now cause everyone's always busy on certain days but i think it's gonna be on the 30th? or the days before that. i'm probably gonna bring a chinese platter or halal platters. i need to get new film for my polaroid too cause i haven't used it in soo long.

• my parents brought home red velvet cupcake for me and my siblings
• my mom said the abercrombie jacket might be too small for me cause they only had xs or large and i got xs so i might need to squeeze in or i'm just gonna return it and probably go to the store or something if everything's still 30% off
• ah i dont know if i should go to the jj lin concert. i was about to not go and just save the money but i feel like i'm gonna regret it and i like going to these concerts. should i go or not? maybe ivan can drive us there and we'll try to get tickets and if we can't then baby and i can just hang around then go back
• gonna get a couple shirt for me and bb soon hehe
• i need to download more new songs cause i just keep skipping songs on my itouch
• our chairs in the living room is covered with me and my sister's jackets which reminds me that i just ordered 2 on forever 21
• WHY ISN'T BABY REPLYING TO MY TEXT? i'm gonna kick his ass

eff my diet, i just ordered take out

i got 2 sushi rolls and that's it :) it was so expensive so i didn't wanna get anything else and that's gonna fill me up. even if it doesn't oh well cause i need to lose weight anyways. i love sushi so much! had it twice this week

this afternoon i met up with vivi at elizabeth center. i didn't buy anything though but i still need wrapping paper and a gift for junie. we went to eat malaysian food and she had to rush back home to go to work so i just went home. i was supposed to cater but my friend's phone was off so i was like pissed off cause i could've went to work but whatever so i just stayed home all day. i clipped up my bangs today which i havent done in a while haha

i was on the phone with baby for two hours before then he spilled something so he had to clean it up aha. i never really used to talk to my exes on the phone that much. i was so happy today when baby told me his mom asked me to go eat with them on christmas. but then i'm stressing out about jj lin tickets cause i don't know what to do since they're all sold out. maybe my cousin will drive us there then we'll buy tickets at the door.

tomorrow i'm gonna get nail polish before work. they're only $5 for O.P.I nail polish!

work in 11 hours

i should be going to sleep soon. i'm getting paid this weekend but i think i'm only gonna get like $100. on craigslist, someone is selling me a canon powershot sd1200 for $100 but i have to go to elmhurst to pick it up. then i'm gonna sell my camera for around 60 or 70.

i just ordered my abercrombie and fitch jacket! finally. i'm glad that i waited cause everything is 30% off and i had the $50 gift card so it only charged me around $63 from $140. i just went on the f21 site and i'm seeing more things i wanna get but i'm gonna hold off right now aha.

my dad and brother just went out and brought me food and i took a few bites. now i have to wait until my stomach feels empty so i can do crunches and go to sleep.

so baby and i are going to the jj lin concert so i need to spend around $100 for the tickets and the bus. then the next day or the day before, we're going ice skating at citi pond, going to rockefeller center, eat and walk around the city. i'm so excited, this is gonna be such a great christmas. i can't wait to give baby my present though hehe. i hate that i have work on christmas day but i'll probably get off early or tell mindy i'm not going in. 

i need a new job. one that can get me everything that i want to buy hahaha. and i just remembered i can't spend all my money cause i have to save up for california for februrary. good thing chinese new years is before that so i'll have some money from that too! 

this is only part of my wishlist and stuff i'm saving up for.. and random stuff that i put in there that i want. but it's okay i don't really need these things, i'll be happy without them.

i have more to write but i can't think about it right now. i feel like i'm always forgetting something. well it's 1am and my mom and my sister both aren't home. i'm just home with the guys again. at least i finally got my jacket! i need something to stop me from shopping, but i keep getting e-mails on sales and i'm like omg i want it! such a bad habit. well i'm gonna say goodnight to baby, exercise and sleep 'zzz

btw, four days ago was bb and i's third month together ♡♡♡