Why can't I be the one mad? Why can't you be the one apologizing? Why do I always go running back to you when clearly, it was never my fault in the first place? Why do I have to explain so much to you? Why can't you see how much I've gone through? JUST FUCKING WHY
I'm frustrated and I know there's nothing more I can do. I vent and vent. I've cried countless times. This blog has so many posts about the same things and there's nothing left for me to try.
I don't deserve this. I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG. So why am I the one suffering?

很生气！！ and happy

Last night, I ended up sleeping over at baby's house again cause it was so cold and there was a lot of snow outside. He was playing a lot of PSP and I watched dramas and family outing with him. Hehe I helped his grandpa fix his internet! That sb was sleeping and his phone died so his grandparents opened the door instead. I went to sleep pretty early, like around 9 and my mom only called once surprisingly. I guess she wasn't home last night. This morning I woke up early and I had to leave his house to go run errands. I went home to get my papers then went to Chao's store to print out a fake doctors' note. I went to school to get my working papers and then the guidance. I waited like an hour for her to help me cause there was a lot of kids on line. She told me that I only need english credits so I only have english class now! Hehehe. Sadly, it's with Blagley and it's AP so I'm most likely gonna flunk it for the fourth time. She said I need a second so I have school service but I can go late and then go to the computer room or something and lunch fourth but I just leave. I got my other two transcripts and left to go to Hollister. I went to Dash to look around and no surprise, I couldn't even afford anything aha. But it felt cool to be in the Kardashian's store. I went to Hollister avoiding all the puddles even though my uggs were already soaked. Btw I seriously hate cars that drive so fast when theres so much shit on the ground and the dirty snow platters all over the people walking. My jeans are all dirty now!! At Hollister, I finished my paperwork really fast cause I only needed to complete one then they got our work clothes. I got a size 0 for jeans and S for the top. They approved it then we just left. I still haven't eaten and it's 6!!!

Tomorrow morning I have training from 10 to 2 so I might go to baby's after if I don't have training sunday. Then maybe I'll sleep over again heh. And there's no school Monday woohooooo. I went to his house to show him how pretty I thought I looked yesterday because I parted my hair but he said he likes my side bangs better ugh so i'm gonna switch it back tonight after I wash my hair again. His nickname is meanie now!

Where will this love go?

All the arguments, lack of trust, insecurities and jealousy get in the way of us. I try so hard to avoid it, but I can't. Why do I always apologize for something I didn't do wrong? I've changed in so many ways for us both and I only ask one thing of you. I accept you the way you are, what you do, what your past is, and how you treat me. Why can't you do the same for me. I feel like I put in 110% into this, so how can you tell me I don't care? You ask me what's wrong, but even if I tell you, would you do something about it? You get mad at me for not knowing why you're mad. Do you feel like I've hurt you more than you have hurt me?

滚, 骗子, 去死, do you know how much it hurts to hear you say that? Let's be each other for once. If I said that to you, you'll leave me right away. When I get mad at you, you don't comfort me but you get mad at me back. You should know by now, how lonely I feel, how sensitive and emotional I am. I don't need sympathy, I need a boyfriend, a shoulder to lean on.


Can you go a day without calling me names? Without pointing out something bad about me to get mad at? Stop making a fuss over something small?
I've changed my habits of always sleeping at your house. Of always going out to hang out with my friends. Of always adding guys on my facebook. Of always going on tumblr when i'm at your house. Of sleeping late.
If I can change all of that for you, why can't you? All I want is to feel special, needed and warmth.


I love you as much as you love me. I care for you as much as you care for me. I'm crazy for you as much as you are for me. I hurt as much as you hurt for me.
But I've shed tears more than you. I've changed more for you.


As much as I write about my feelings or say them to you, nothing changes. No I don't turn to breaking up as a solution because I think that's stupid. It's not funny to play with my feelings. I hope time will heal things, and change us as well. Into a better and more closer couple. Just give me a sign or show me that you're willing to change and that I'm worth it. Please..

I remember every word you've sad to me. Mean or nice. But I think the mean comments are stuck deeper in me than the nice ones because those hurt me the most. If you asked me to repeat them to you, I probably could. I've cried and cried, over a few words you say. Even if it's joking, I still take it to heart. Because you don't feel any guilt saying them to me. When you say sweet things to me, my heart pounds faster, and I get all excited. Does that happen to you too? I don't know if you'll ever stop teasing me, because it's not funny to mess with my feelings. I let you go everytime, because I'd rather let it go then let you go. One day, i'm going to get tired of letting you have your way all the time. I need to stand up for myself, and get my pride back. I'm human, I have feelings and a heart. Please understand that.

F.U. Snow

There's no school today but I was going to be off anyways. I still have to go to the doctors and it better be open. Hm, what should I eat for breakfast?

So my blog has turned into a fashion blog instead of a daily life blog... But it's okay hahah I still blog about my life too.

I guess i'll stay home today and watch dramas, take pictures, do an intense work out, take naps, blog, etc

Ugh i've been waking up so early these days for no reason. And once I wake up, I can't fall back asleep. Then at night time I get sleepy so fast and my eyes start to hurt.

Ordering these varsity jackets for the spring! I've been finding them everywhereee. You can get these at Yesstyle for around $40.

When will I get the DSLR of my dreams? The one i've been waiting for my whole life. Nikon d7000!

Random

• I'm gonna part my hair down the middle for now.. And see if people like it aha. It's gonna take some time to get used to though
• Just did my 11 page literature log
• Glad I finished two things on my list
• The snow is ruining my plans and my mood. It needs to stop!!!
• I hate Anqi cause he just told me not to go to his house because of the snow. 
• Watching devil beside you for like the third time now cause there's nothing to watch. Maybe i'll watch Snow Queen too hehe
• I need to facetrade for Vivi and for my shirt too in flushing but since it's snowing.. eh
• Deleted about 200 friends off facebook. It actually feels good deleting people aha.
• Might need to meet up with Brenda on Sunday for her clothes that she's selling and she's treating me to bubble tea
• I can't believe i'm spending my week off that I was trying to rest on doing more errands and rushing stuff
• I want Hunter boots for next winter
• Going to doctors tomorrow morning to do stupid application for working papers
• Baby thinks i'm gonna leave him for some Hollister dude which is so not true. I don't like that preppy kind of look and I don't really think they're all that hot 
• I can feel me and baby's relationship changing.. And I think it's getting better and we love each other more and more. I love it when we laugh together really hard. And we go a day without arguing. And when he isn't mean to me and says sweet things. It's really touching to me.

This is the shirt I tried on at Forever 21.. It looked okay but wasn't worth my money and I'm happy I didn't get it haha. But it'd be pretty with a high waisted skirt! Or shorts in the summer.

Sold out

So I went on Forever 21's website which I haven't been on in a long time and there wasn't anything I wanted EXCEPT these two things which are sold out/not in my size. Ugh why!? I bookmarked it to see if they'll restock though since it's a popular item. I'm definitely gonna get it if they restock.

I hate college applications!!!

I go to school on my week off just to do them. The deadline is next Tuesday and if I don't get into Baruch or Queens college, i'm going to kill myself. I mean, I can still transfer after my first year but we'll see. The stupid pin wouldn't work and I don't even know why. I needed it to finish my FAFSA. At least I know i'm elligable to get financial aid and maybe more money than I need so I can get books. I just sent in my crappy SAT scores but hopefully my transcripts will make up for it. I have to go to Fort Lee and Cathedral just to get my freshman and sophomore year transcripts which sucks so much cause they're so far. Maybe i'll get my mom to drive me tomorrow or Friday. I'm gonna quickly do my literature log tonight so Mr Blagley will give me a passing grade and I don't need to go to summer school. I think I passed but just to be sure. Gah this is so annoying. I got myself thai iced tea at Chelsea market afterwards and went home. At 3, I have to do paperwork at Hollister. I wanted to go to Necessary clothing to buy a shirt or two and I just spent $10 for sending my SAT scores. I regret procrastinating so much!!! Not happening in college

Things I need to do by the end of this week:
Get a pin on FAFSA
Complete FAFSA form
Get transcripts from FL and Cathedral
Do literature log
Go to doctor to fill out form
Get working papers
Dentist appointment Sunday

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDGE

我喜欢你抓住我紧紧的

我想知道，你不会放弃。。我已经改变了~ you are the most important to me


this morning, i went to baby's house and we watched green hornet. 成功了, 成功了! i didn't fall asleep today hahah. but then we had a fight for like two hours and he made me do stupid stuff but it's okay la.. i ended up staying for dinner and ate with his parents (and his doggie hehe) it wasn't that cold tonight and the trains came right away which was awesome.


tomorrow morning i have to go to school to do financial aid then i have to go to hollister at 3 to do paperwork. if baby is in flushing or at his house, i might meet up with him or sleep over the next day if i can.

Asos

There's more but here are just some that I liked on the site.

They're kinda expensive though >.< More than $50 for everything.. But I love it!!

Shopping addiction

So Hollister called me today! It's only been 3 days but they called me to tell me I have to do paperwork on Wednesday and training on Saturday. I need to go to school to get my working paper stuff though which is such a hassle. Now I can finally earn money and go shoppppping.

I got an e-mail from forever 21 FINALLY after like three weeks that they got my package and they're giving me my $70 for returning three of the items I got. More money in my bank account!

It's restaurant week but I doubt i'm gonna go anywhere. The prices are still really high for me and i'm dieting so I don't wanna go crazy eating all that stuff.

I was talking to Brenda and she showed me so many online shopping sites and reminded me about a lot of them and now i'm like ahh i wanna order stuff but i'll wait. I can't wait to get summer clothes cause I love them the most!

This is such a nice DIY scarf! I think i'm gonna try it with one of my old shirts. Other nice DIYs are the dress idea with a men's flannel shirt, make jeans into shorts, etc. Saves you lots of $$$!

 Love doesn't mean that you won't break up or fight. It means that you'll make up and make things right.

I hate it that you don't trust me. That you think the worst of me. I'm such a horrible person in your eyes. You know how much I want to prove you wrong?
Even typing this, I start to tear up. I lay down on my bed at night, thinking about everything. As much as I try to cover up the bad things in life with positive thoughts, I just can't.
You may never know how much your mean comments hurt me. As much as I show it to you or let you know, you don't understand. I'm insecure about myself in many ways and it would help if you'd boost my confidence up a little. To know that my own boyfriend thinks i'm beautiful no matter what. But if it's the truth you want to tell me, then I don't blame you.
What if one day I took your words seriously? To go die? To leave you alone?
There's only so much I can go after. I'm willing to change for you, but what about you? Have you made an effort to change yourself? You let your anger get the best of you and words slip out.

I tried to compare the amount of love I show you compared to the love that you show me. I don't think I show any less than you do. Can you just think about all the things I've done for you? Instead of the things you want from me. Please don't say I've never tried for you. Cause I have, many times. Now it all depends on if you believe me or not.

For once, it'd be nice to see you care for me when I cry. To just stop everything you're doing, and give me a big hug and tell me to stop crying.

Some words of advice to men: Treat women the same way you would want your daughter to be treated.


Every guy thinks catching the girl he likes is an amazing accomplishment. But actually, catching the girl is the easy part, keeping her is the real accomplishment.

food cravings

crepes are the best! topped with bananas and ice cream. i think i'm gonna make this one day for baby because i need to lose weight so i shouldn't be eating this. or i'll add nutella and strawberries to it hehe

this is so pretty to be bubble tea.. i get this so often and it's not good for me especially the tapioca but whatever! this and thai iced tea will forever be my favorite drinks

I want you to fall for me so hard, that you become scared to lose me. I want you to dwell in my existence; where a day without me would feel incomplete. I want you to fall as hard for me, as I'll fall for you. I want you to remember me always, and I want you to chase after me when I push you away. I want you to pull me back when I'm trying to leave. I want to feel the reflexes of my own words. I want you to keep me grounded when I've done wrong. I want you to be relentless. I don't want any constrictions in my chest, but the bones that shapes our interest. I want you to fall so hard for me, that you realize you've never even felt this way about someone before. And if I left, I would want every thing we ever shared to make you remember me. I want all the things we did, said, and never got to; to make you remember me by. I want to know you'll fall so hard for me that if a song we shared came up on the radio; it would make you have this sudden sharp pain in your chest. And in those fleeting seconds, I hope you know how much you fell in love with me and how you can't live without me. I hope then, you'll come chasing after me. It's selfish I know, but I want to be the only one you have your eyes on. I want to be the only one you actually fell for. I actually want to be the one you end up with. I want to know you'll fight for me.

 
The truth is, I have a bad habit of comparing myself to others. There’s always someone with a better smile, nicer clothes, a skinnier waist, brighter eyes, and amazing hair. I put myself down all the time. I can never be happy with the way I look at all. I’m self-conscious and that’s probably the number one thing I want to change about me.

Style tip

 
High waisted skirts have been a popular trend in 2010 and I believe it'll still be "in" this summer. Top it off with a plain shirt or a shirt with a pretty collar. Heels will add length to your legs.

Inspiration (Hair and style)

I want more collared shirts :3

Rings, rings rings!

Vintage~

Wake me up when winter is over

It's only 13 degrees right now and it was 8 before. Gah I can't take this weather!! Last night I was freezing and I didn't feel well so I fell asleep after watching Mean Girls 2 and Kim and Kourtney takes NY. I slept from 10 something until this morning. When I woke up, I typed my college essay and did some homework. I went to eat breakfast by myself then went to school to hand in my college stuff and other homework. I need to fill my FAFSA asap so I have to go back to school on Wednesday to do it. I'm so glad I don't need to go to school this week but hopefully I can stay at my boyfriend's house again~! Afterwards, I went to the post office then went to my mom to get the tax return paperwork and got food to bring home. I'm trying to eat more veggies now heh.

I started watching "Love buffet" because all the other dramas aren't updated yet. It's a taiwanese drama this time instead of Korean. It's pretty good and the actors are pretty much good looking! I want baby to wake up cause I hate it when he's sleeping and I want someone to talk to and I miss him a lot.

My mom was telling me about how she doesn't like me hanging out with my cousin and stuff because she assumes he does weed. My family is so messed up for believing their assumptions ugh. My mom was lecturing me about that too and i'm like wtf, i've never even done it.

I can't wait until Chinese new years! I hope my whole family can go out to eat dinner. Hopefully I'll get more money than last year heheh.

我绝对绝对不会放弃我们的爱

你也不可以哦


I slept over at baby's house again this weekend. On Saturday, I went over and it was so cold but good thing baby's bed and his room was warm. For lunch, we ate a rice ball, fried dumplings, and sweet bread. I caught up on all the dramas and then ran out of things to watch. On Sunday, his parents made breakfast then I fell asleep again and had to go.


I think I always feel sleepy these days because it's winter. I'm such a pig >.< Baby says that's all I do but I do other stuff too! Grr. I left all my stuff at his house like always because I go there so often and it's like my second house.


He got mad at me like four times on Saturday. I hate fighting with him and trying to get him not to be mad anymore. I just wish that we could trust each other a lot more because I'm staying loyal and I won't leave him for anyone else. 

too cute!

okay so i was talking to esther and all the girls want me to go to fort lee's prom with them. the only problem is that i'd have to pay about $100 for the ticket, pay for the limo, and the dress. i don't really wanna go to afterprom so yeah. and i don't think baby wants me to go. maybe when the due date is near, i'll talk to him about it? i really want a cute romantic prom picture with him though but i guess that's not gonna happen. esther showed me the dress that she's getting and it's sooo pretty but it's like $318. 

boom boom powww

finally changed up my layout
i usually like the whole plain thing anyways, like black and white? cause it's simple heh

there was no point of going to school cause of the snow and we did nothing in class. afterschool i went to hollister for their interview and i think i did pretty well. i went to bb's house after and i made us dumplings and hot dogs. i fell asleep as always and ended up going home around 9. my hands and face were so frozen, it started to hurt. tomorrow i might just sleep over cause i don't wanna come back home at night and freeze my ass off.

time for some pictures heh

i have to give this up for awhile because of my diet, so sad

i want this nail polish color!

some quotes i agree with:

“If me and my girlfriend were fighting and it got to the point where she started crying, I would just shut up and hold her.”

wow justin bieber said that. anyways, for future references

“The worst thing is holding on to someone who doesn’t want to be held on to. Don’t fall for someone unless they’re willing to catch you. The thing about falling in love is that if you do it right you’ll never hit the ground. Life is too short to be anything but happy. So kiss slowly, love deeply & forgive quickly. Take chances & never regret. Forget the past, but remember what it taught you. Sometimes you just have to smile & pretend everything’s O.K, hold back the tears & walk away. If you want to see the rainbow you must go through the rain. If you want true love you must go through the pain. Women came from a mans rib, not on his feet to be stepped on, not on his head to be superior, but on his side to be equal. Under his arms to be protected & near his heart to be loved.”

my diet plan:

to get a flat stomach IN A WEEK
- 1 hour of cardio everyday. that means running, swimming, something of that sort. or you can do cardio exercises which can be found on youtube)
- don’t eat food 4-6 hours before exercising
- eat no more than 800-1000 calories a day
- avoid fats and sugars
- eat 100-150g of protein daily
- drink lots and lots of water
- drink green tea

i’m also starting the lemon detox diet and hula hooping for a slimmer waist

other exercises for a flat stomach/abs/thighs/butt (learned from shantea mac’s vid)
- spiderman (do about 140 seconds of it)
- flutter kicks (do this a loooot) it really starts to hurt after like 3 rounds of 10
- cherry picker

for getting slimmer legs/thighs
- chair
- leg exercises
- bike

for faster metabolism (mine has slowed down a lot)
- eat a big breakfast
- separate lunch and dinner into 4-6 meals
- don’t eat 3-4 hours before bed
- eat bananas
- take a shit

I CAN DO THIS

today i was so happy cause baby and i didn't argue at all and he didn't even get mad at me. but then he ended up bringing up the past again and honestly, i can't change the past.

i continuously try to defend myself because i hate being misunderstood. it hurts to know that someone i love thinks of me as such a bad person. what you see in pictures, isn't what i am inside. it's a one to three time thing that happened this summer. it's not like i went on and on partying. partying a few times make me a party girl? what else can i say but give in to your assumptions? why let the past eat you up? i've tried to forget yours and not be mad about it even though it hurts to know it happened. just listen to what i'm telling you, not just hear. i feel like you're not even trying to understand me. you're trying to judge me on pictures, when i don't even do that stuff anymore.

i really thought we'd go a day without arguing. lately, i've come up with no fights and all i ever want to do is make up. am i wrong for doing so?

i wanna go back to dancing ~~~ maybe after i get a job and stuff i'll go to bdc once a week or something to learn routines.
and i just started this new work out thing but i need to sleep normally, eat less and work out twice a day.

whenever i talk about you to someone, they always ask me "you really love him, don't you?" and i answer yes. i wish you could tell what's in my heart.

maybe a goodnight call would be nice once in a while. a date just walking down the boardwalk. talking to each other about ourselves to learn about each other more. surprise each other. do little things for each other that shows we really care.
i'm just like every other girl. i have expectations, but i know how to separate them from reality. i've already given up on hoping for things. maybe i watch too many dramas, but i want to feel special.

the tears came back

for some reason, i feel so stressed today. college applications are due february first, i have to hand in all my work by this week cause the marking period is ending, i better get a 65 or above in english or i have summer school, uniqlo just told me i can't fking work until august cause i'm not 18, and everything is just getting to me. i don't know what else to do than to blog about it and cry. i really want to go to that special someone, the only person, who can make me feel better. but i've tried and it hasn't helped. i also want him to come to me when he's stressed out and needs me, cause i'll be right here. why am i like this and i don't even have my period?!?!

after he broke up with me, i've tried my best to reassure him. to show him how much he matters to me and how important he is in my life. i don't want him to leave me again. what else do i have to do? i'm fine with doing all i can, but sometimes i feel so discouraged because he doesn't show the same for me. you don't try as much as you used to. you don't do special things for me anymore. you don't say how much you miss me or love me. i feel like you've given up on me, on us.

why can't you comfort me? why do you just go along with everything i say? do you honestly think i'm okay when i say i am? i feel so hurt but i'm hiding that from you because i know you hate when i cry.

i've been watching tori and dean all day today cause of the marathon. they've been together for four years, they're married and have two kids. i'm so envious of their relationship. the sweet things they do for each other. the love they show each other. the surprises, everything. they always try to fix their relationship. everytime they have to leave each other, they cry. the guy gave up so much for his wife, the hobby that he loves. she freaked out when she found out he fell off the track while riding his motorcycle. on valentine's day, he flew five hours just to surprise her and it was so sweet. hopefully my marriage will be like that too?? i think this is why i'm sad over my relationship. i don't want us both to be so childish about everything anymore. us being childish means so much arguments over stupid stuff.

bought all of this when i hung out with brenda

got supplies at target, make up removers, shower stuff, hair stuff, stationary from morning glory, chips at mitsuwa, picture frames, wtc

this is what it all looks like on my desk

officially an employee of uniqlo!

i want this for my phoneee

hah, my mom got me a jacket rack,,

sleepover and hot pot with the girls

photoshoot with bhon

lunch with cousins and vivi

my cousin's present to me heh

we took stick pics at ec// i ended up buying this shirt ~~~